I’ve never had good bathroom memories. I’ve always had bad bathroom experiences. Ever since the first,fateful day I sat butt on a toilet seat, it seemed I would be destined to be plagued at my most private moment. Oh, how public bathrooms are my enemies. But of course, it’s never my fault that going to a public restroom sucks…It’s mostly just everyone else.
So here is the normal scenario.
There I am, in the most vulnerable of vulnerable positions, sitting quite complacent, or sometimes hovering, over the porcelain bowl. No one is there; It’s just me, some toilet paper, and the stalls. How nice it is, I’ll be thinking, to have this time alone to myself. Of course, the door gives an awful creak and slams back into position, and there’s the click clock of high heel shoes. Of course, this woman must notice that all but one of the bathroom stalls are slightly ajar, and like a threatened rhino, she rams into my door like the world is under a nuclear attack and attempts to mash the door down. Is there some sort of pheromone dripping off my stall or a neon sign over my door that says “Empiest Stall Possible”? What mental illness must one have that they are attract to closed doors. Perhaps a phobia of opened doors? I don’t buy it.
Either way, how about a simple ol’ knock? Just a light tap. However, some people take this as an excuse to bang the hell out of the stall door, causing a mild heart attack mid-poop. Tap lightly people; Don’t bang so hard that you literally scare the shat of the victim.
And then there’s always the case of the broken door lock. Sometimes it works, and you have to jam it, or take off your shoe and attempt to hammer it into place. Then the lock is non-existent, and this brings up a good amount of problems. As a girl, I know for a fact that my arms don’t reach far enough in front of me to hold the door shut. So when rhino comes a-ramming, she’s got a great shot at my head. And once again, just….knock.
Oh, my experiences. What…nostalgia. One of my favorites would be of a time I used the restroom at the flea market(tons of memories there). I was sitting on the toilet, after spending five minutes doing some heavy paper lining, and this band of little children come in, exactly seven(you’ll see why I’m so precise soon enough). So I thought to myself how very normal it is to be sitting and have people come into a public restroom. There was the weird shuffling of pants on the tile floor, and the sound(or rather,sounds) kept coming closer closer, until a small head popped out of the right side of my stall. It was a young boy and he didn’t even bother to stop. He kept on trucking, followed by another child, and another, and another. None of them stopped to even acknowledge me, so I sat there in odd amazement. When the seventh child came through my stall, he stopped and stared at me for about 5 seconds, and then kept on going. There was loud giggling from outside the stalls and they all rushed out…and whoever was last, turned the lights off. Now I’m having a panic attack because I keep thinking there are murders in the stall next to me, so I bunch up some toilet paper, flush and run out to open the door and try to find the light switch. I’m guessing those little tots thought there was no one there, except for that last one(or maybe he was blind).
So here’s the deal. Next time you go to a public restroom, and all the doors are locked, take a moment to knock. Or if you’re too shy to knock, like me, then try to look under the door for a pair of shoes, usually a tell-tale sign that there’s someone in there. And if you can’t tell because the doors reach the ground, lean close and try to listen for noise within the stall.
If anything, just hold it.
2 Comments
January 2, 2009 at 2:52 pm
damn that piss. lol.
August 26, 2009 at 10:29 pm
such trauma….